"You're so talented!"
Who would think such a statement, spoken in all honesty, could bring on near depression? I sure didn't think it would, when one of my coworkers addressed me with that.
And yet, about half an hour later, I began thinking, "They said that I'm talented... Why? Well, they said it shortly after they learned I participated in swing dance. And it is no secret that I teach and play piano, take karate, write books, and do other kinds of dance. So why did she say I was talented? Because I do several different things. What she doesn't know, is that most of those things I merely dabble in, rarely exerting enough will power or time to follow through and become really good at said thing. I might never be good at those things in fact, no matter how much time I put into it! If she knew that, would she still call me talented? I doubt it. Because I'm not talented. I'm a wannabe dancer, a wannabe singer, a wannabe author... I'm nothing more than a wannabe and I'm not talented, and now I want to cry!"
That was what went through my head. Now, some of you might be shaking your heads, for surely if I analyze things to that extent, I'm crazy, right?
Well be that as it may, with that looming over me, I went to choir practice, where I sat in the midst of wonderful singers. Now, I sing Alto, which means I have to sing Harmony; not Melody. Which is a lot harder, but typically I enjoy the stretching of my skills and learning to do something new! Tonight however, I began to struggle with staying with the Harmony, and not going off with the Melody instead. And, as they are want to do, my earlier thoughts returned. See? I couldn't even sing right! And now I could focus even less on my music...
Now, I had a pretty good idea that I was being ridiculous; over-analyzing and worrying over a compliment of all things, and of course, where was my focus during this? I'm not talented. I'm a wannabe. Poor me, me me! Yep. In the middle of singing for God, I was going into depression over myself and what I did or didn't do.
Finally, while the director worked with the men on their parts, I began silently praying to be refocused on what was important. And what do you know, I began being refocused.
Sure, I'm not perfect in those areas. Personalities like mine set very high standards in things, and expect themselves to meet those standards. Anything less is failure. Sometimes those standards are too high. However, even if those standards were not too high, even if I was a complete failure at singing by anyone's standard, God isn't looking for people who are perfect! He's looking for people who are willing. People who know they come short, who offer up what little they can do, and trust God to take care of the rest. And then, give God the glory when He carries them through.
So, that is what I learned today. Or tonight, rather... I hope that, if you have thoughts like this, that this post may help you!
Until next time!