Wednesday, January 25, 2012


"You're so talented!"

Who would think such a statement, spoken in all honesty, could bring on near depression? I sure didn't think it would, when one of my coworkers addressed me with that.

And yet, about half an hour later, I began thinking, "They said that I'm talented... Why? Well, they said it shortly after they learned I participated in swing dance. And it is no secret that I teach and play piano, take karate, write books, and do other kinds of dance. So why did she say I was talented? Because I do several different things. What she doesn't know, is that most of those things I merely dabble in, rarely exerting enough will power or time to follow through and become really good at said thing. I might never be good at those things in fact, no matter how much time I put into it! If she knew that, would she still call me talented? I doubt it. Because I'm not talented. I'm a wannabe dancer, a wannabe singer, a wannabe author... I'm nothing more than a wannabe and I'm not talented, and now I want to cry!"

That was what went through my head. Now, some of you might be shaking your heads, for surely if I analyze things to that extent, I'm crazy, right?

Well be that as it may, with that looming over me, I went to choir practice, where I sat in the midst of wonderful singers. Now, I sing Alto, which means I have to sing Harmony; not Melody. Which is a lot harder, but typically I enjoy the stretching of my skills and learning to do something new! Tonight however, I began to struggle with staying with the Harmony, and not going off with the Melody instead. And, as they are want to do, my earlier thoughts returned. See? I couldn't even sing right! And now I could focus even less on my music...

Now, I had a pretty good idea that I was being ridiculous; over-analyzing and worrying over a compliment of all things, and of course, where was my focus during this? I'm not talented. I'm a wannabe. Poor me, me me! Yep. In the middle of singing for God, I was going into depression over myself and what I did or didn't do.

Finally, while the director worked with the men on their parts, I began silently praying to be refocused on what was important. And what do you know, I began being refocused.

Sure, I'm not perfect in those areas. Personalities like mine set very high standards in things, and expect themselves to meet those standards. Anything less is failure. Sometimes those standards are too high. However, even if those standards were not too high, even if I was a complete failure at singing by anyone's standard, God isn't looking for people who are perfect! He's looking for people who are willing. People who know they come short, who offer up what little they can do, and trust God to take care of the rest. And then, give God the glory when He carries them through.

So, that is what I learned today. Or tonight, rather... I hope that, if you have thoughts like this, that this post may help you!

Until next time!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Life Goes On....

Well, my writing creeps on. I'm editing the third chapter of "Faerlocher", and am writing the rough draft of "Nightmare"'s chapter six. Having a little trouble having one of the characters in "Nightmare" (Zuriel, for those who know him) be a bit more alive. Despite that, I'm pretty happy with how things are going with that story at the moment.
Those two stories aside, I don't really have any other story news...

So, and shall talk about a random topic which has been on my mind lately. Last time I posted, it was about "Weirdness", how there's different kinds of weird and so on. Well, this time I want to talk about weirdness in another way. First, I shall ask you three questions.

1) Do you consider yourself to be weird?
2) Do others consider you so?
3) Are you really?

This probably is sounding a bit silly, but hear me out.
I have very often been referred to as being weird, strange, or eccentric. I have rarely cared that people have thought these things.
But, the other day, I started wondering; How much of my strangeness is an act, and how much is real?

The reason for this question is because, when I'm in public, I can be pretty normal. There are a few things that I can't seem to help; Difficulty in speaking for any length of time without pausing to think-- mostly because I lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence or because I just plain started a sentence without even thinking about how it would end, and I can't seem to think fast enough to finish it without stopping mid-sentence-- Trouble in keeping focused on the person I'm talking to-- averting my eyes while I'm talking, often getting distracted by something while the other person is talking (be it something I see, hear, smell, feel, or just a stray thought)-- And just about always fidgeting with something or another while talking to someone, from shirt hem to my fingers to my hair to a loose couch thread. With those things going on, people often have assumed I'm not paying attention, or that I'm bored with them, or that I'm just being rude. And rightly so; if someone did those things while I was talking to them, I might think they were not wanting to talk to me or something.

ANYways, there are some points that even in public I have extreme trouble in dealing with (and sometimes cannot stop). But then, if you look at how I act around my family, I'm a completely different person. A completely different brand of weird, or, sometimes, completely normal. Or as normal as I can be. ;) Now, I know that people will naturally act in a different manner around their family and close friends, but sometimes, I wonder how much of the strangeness is pretended, perhaps first just to get attention, then as the person gets older and doesn't necessarily want more attention, keeps up being strange just to fit the personality their past strangeness has cloaked them with.

And then, there are people who are weird because they've decided it's more fun. Not because they necessarily are weird, or expected to be, but because they've made the decision that they want to be weird, and therefore act that way.

I believe I'm a mixture of these. Perhaps. I've been considering this idea for about a week, and still haven't gotten all my thoughts sorted on the matter. This is sort of an attempt to get them ironed out, I guess! But for the present, I believe a large part of it is that I've decided to be strange. I probably am naturally a bit eccentric and different, but why stop at a little? So long as you don't harm someone, of course.

Now, I'm curious to know how many people out there are like this. How many people there are who pretend to be weird, just because they've decided they want to. And also, why they've chosen to be that way.

I... Was going to post my reasons for choosing to be weird, but it ended up making this post way longer than I wanted it to be, so maybe I'll post them at another time.... if people would want to read such ramblyness... Or maybe I'll just keep the post to myself, hidden away somewhere far away.

Until next time!

Thursday, January 5, 2012


I have just about always considered myself, and been considered by other people, as being weird. However, today I was thinking (yes I know, dangerous pastime) and it hit me that there are many different kinds of weird.


Authors, like myself, are obviously considered weird for talking about their characters as if they were real. Because they *are* real. Ahem. We're known for talking to our characters, drinking high amounts of caffeine, staying up late into the night, wearing glasses, being messy (both in personal hygiene, and living quarters), isolating ourselves, smoking, sitting around in our pajamas all day, complaining about the dreaded "writers' block", owning cats, being depressed, emotional, and schizophrenic, staring absently into space, and doing strange things like blindfold one's self for hours or limp around on crutches to gain more experience. Of course, I don't smoke, though I do want a pipe simply for the sake of having one (J.R.R. Tolkien had a pipe!!!). I don't sit around my pajamas all day either, though I wouldn't mind that... These stereotypes in mind, it's no wonder we're considered weird! And just for the record, I both recorded these stereotypes from personal experience, and researched them on Google to see what other people thought of authors.

Now, recently I began attending swing dances. I'd taken dance lessons before, in Hip Hop, Drill, and Ballet, but attending the swing sessions ended up being something completely different. There were dancers, good dancers, in a large concentration. Dancers, I found, are a whole different set of strange. And it weirded me out at first.
It took me a while to figure out what exactly it was about them that seemed so weird, but at last I got it figured out. Dancers, are *extremely* expressive. And when I say "extremely", I mean it. Several of them also walked the line between friendly, and flirtatious, with everyone they danced with; which bewildered me all the more. Of course, to some people, the expressiveness a dancer displays might not be so strange, but to me... I found myself standing in a lesser populated corner, staring at the dancers and trying to figure out what it was that bemused me so much about them. What was wrong with them?
But there it was. Extreme expressiveness.

Authors, dancers... Next?

Musicians. I didn't know musicians were considered weird until recently. I would call myself a musician, as I've played the piano for about eleven years, sing, am learning the drums and ocarina, and have attempted violin and guitar. I've known people who are musicians, also. And, I've never seen how they could be classified as strange. However, they are considered so.
I know that drummers are considered not quite as bright as other instrumentalists. After playing the drum, I can see why; there is a certain... strange, light feeling one gets in their head after playing for half an hour, let alone an hour or two. Or maybe I'm alone in that.
That aside, I honestly don't know exactly what to say about this category. I only know that people have mentioned that musicians are weird. Someone enlighten me?

Cosmetologists are next. Why? Because my mom's one, so I've heard what the stereotype is. They're considered weird for: Partying a lot, having tattoos and piercings, and for doing crazy things to their hair. Just for the record, my mom is not considered a stereotypical cosmetologist.

Strange how, whatever you do in this world, you'll probably be considered weird in some way. Ah well, I'm content to be thought weird.

Well, those are the top groups on my mind at the moment. Post with your own thoughts on the matter?

Sunday, January 1, 2012


It's a whole new year! In case you hadn't noticed. Two thousand twelve... End of the world and all that. Exciting, no?

Well, here are some things that stand out to me about this year:

* I wrote three books-- "Fusion through the Flood", "Unmasked", and "Raven;Book2" -- Which comes to a total of 125,180 words written this year. I started another book ("Avesolitus") which ended up being put on hold, and then started yet another book, "Nightmare", which will hopefully be in the list of finished books for 2012!

* Began editing "Faerlocher" and "Unmasked".

* Successfully participated for the second time in 3-Day Novel, and the fourth time in NaNoWriMo.

* I came out in the top twenty, of eighty, in a writing contest.

*, a very useful tool for a writer.

* "Nighttime Novelist", a book about writing that I am oh so grateful I found.

* Borders went out of business. (-insert bitter tears of sorrow-)

* OYAN Summer Workshops, where I learned so, so, so, SO much, and got amazingly empowered to continue to sharpen my writings and use it to fight for what I believe in.

* I became a green belt in karate.

* Got my nose pierced.

* Re-got into touch with someone I hadn't talked with for years.

* Got a punk haircut, then decided I didn't like styling it all the time and got rid of it. Then chopped ALL my hair off, and had an emotional breakdown afterward.

* Became a "Certified" piano teacher

* Finished movements one and two of "Moonlight Sonata" on the piano, and got about three pages into the third movement. Three pages of seven.

* Learned more about and became better friends with several people.

* "Doctor Who" and "Firefly" entered my life, and made me very happy.

* Took HipHop dance for the first time, and very, very much enjoyed it. Really wish it hadn't been moved to a day I can't make. Also took up SWING DANCING. Which I absolutely love.

* Started singing in choir! Hurray for singing alto again.

And... That's all that I can think of. Perhaps I'll think of more by the end of the entry. Anyways, those stated, I put together a list of goals for this year also:

* Write four books.

* Finish editing/polishing "Unmasked" and "Faerlocher".

* Submit something for publishing.

* Attend the OYAN Summer Workshops again.

* Finish learning "Moonlight Sonata" on the piano.

* Become a better piano teacher, and get more students.

* Get my brown belt in karate, and start working toward my black.

* Become a better drummer.

* Read through "Daily Light", which was given to me by a friend.

Well, I think that about covers it. I may or may not add to this list, but there it stands for now.
I'm rather looking forward to the next year. I can't wait to start working to become a better writer, musician, martial artist, and person in general. Can't wait to see what this year holds!